Is a Happy Home Possible?

[judomonkey]

Just wondering what others might have done in this situation. Having just started my first head chefs' position a while ago, not long after that getting married plus having a two year old at home, I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm letting someone down. My staff are amazing. They are truly the kind of staff one dreams about, but let's face it, I still have to be in the kitchen leading my team and they rely on me to be there. My wife is... well... my wife, and obviously she is the most important person in my life but having not really been in the industry she has a hard time with the hours I spend at work. And then there's my little girl. She is my reason for pretty much everything I do, and she (and I) need our time together each day. They all need me to be around, they all need my attention, but I'm divided into so many pieces by the end of the day, I look and feel somewhat like an overcooked chicken breast. Burned to sh*t and fit for the bin. Is it possible to give everyone their piece and not resent them? Is it possible to have a fulfilling work like and a happy home? Any suggestions? Thanks in advance to any replies.

[Max_Xavier]

Family first Judo!

it is very dificult and in time you will either succeed or get divorced. the carreer has a very high divorce rate because of those very reasons you are experiencing.
as for the wife... she will either understand and adapt or you she won't and you will be paying allimony.
My spelling sucks but I think I am very close to being on target.
It is possible to have a fulfilling work life and a happy home. but very few succeed.

[mark1]

No easy answer and the question applies to any career where the guy and these days, the 'gal' puts in long hours to further that career, make the money, satisfy bosses or all of the above.
bottom line is there's no way to satisfy all parties and so the choices begin, career goals vs. family. It helps to have an understanding partner as there's a glimmer it might work. Without the 'understanding', and career pursued, IMO, no hope
Best to be single when the career is important and as it doesn't apply here, all that's left to say is the best of luck and hope you work it out.

[Blueicus]

In my opinion, if you're there 6 or 7 days a week then you need to start training your sous to pick up the slack during two quiet days. Not only are they learning valuable lessons about running the kitchen independently, but you'll get some time off. If you're worried about things you can always call the place a couple of times a day to make sure everything's done.

[FishinChef]

Family first Judo!
it is very dificult and in time you will either succeed or get divorced. It is possible to have a fulfilling work life and a happy home. but very few succeed.

The glorious lifestyle of being a chef is really more suited to a single young guy than someone married with children. Especially with the long hours, stress, and hard to get benefits. I've seen alot of family guys go for corporate or institutional work for the better benefits and schedules.

You've got to find a good balance and the right place; it takes a while. Your staff can keep you out of there a lot or keep you tied down depending on the day. Teambuilding and developing a solid sous and lead cooks that watch your back are essential.

I missed out a lot when my kids were younger and I was cutting my teeth and getting dirty in this buisness. Luckily I've found a place and a boss that allows for both. Having to choose between your family and your job is a tough place to be. Remember you can always get a another job; you'll never get another chance back at the time you miss from your family; if your lucky enough to keep them.

Reminds me of a bad joke:

How many divorced alcoholic chefs do you know?


All of them

[BistroOwner1]

oooooh, this is a tough thing when you choose this business.

In order for you to be successful at what you do, you need a partner who understands what it is you do. If your wife has never been exposed to the business, she will likely never appreciate what it is you do and why you put so many hours in.

I hope she has her own job, circle of friends, volunteer projects - or what ever it is that she enjoys for herself. I think the only way a marriage like this can work is if she has her own entertainment and things in her life that can fill the time up when you are away. If she does not - encourage her to get some!

Your daughter - and future children - they had better get used to hearing "Daddy is going to work now". You had better train a 2nd in command so that when you are off - you are OFF! Take those days and spend them with your family. Do everything you want to do and don't pick up the phone and call into work. THE PLACE WILL NOT FALL APART WITHOUT YOU!

I see my children / family two ways. Both my kids work for me - one as a server, and one as a cook. My husband comes in at 3:00 every day to have an uninterupted lunch with me. It is a house rule that unless it is an extreme emergency, we are not to be disturbed. He knows that the only other time he will get with me is on those precious days off, and late at night when I wake him up to chat about my day. Fortunately, we have been married a long time, and he understands and supports what it is that I do.

Good Luck to you and hang strong. If she loves you and supports you, she will stick with you. By the way - NEVER forget those holidays that you will be working, like valentines day, sweetest day, Mothers day and such. Plan ahead to have flowers, gifts and cards ready and waiting. She will resent it less that you are working if she knows that you thought of her first. (just my opinion)

[garball]

Do you really think the industry gives two sh*ts whether or not your family is happy?

Do not sacrifice your life or family for something that does not give back.

[Frantastic]

Congrats on the promotion; so now you know you can do it. Put that notch on your holster, add it to your resume, and look for a position with less demanding hours and more quality time at home. Later on when the family life settles down re-think what you want to be. There has to be a happy balance of money/work/home and having a new wife and child means big expenses - perhaps sitting down with your wife and asking her to assist in future plans/goals will help you and her with smoothing out the wrinkles. I busted my a** for years while my son grew up - I regret it tremendously. Now I am learning to stop and smell the roses.

[bighead]

Make your career goals not just your goals, but your families as well.
Where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20 years as a family?
If this position is not contributing to those goals, find one that does. If you include your family in these decisions, it helps with the understanding and support.

[kutozov]

one word NO

[Spee]

This situation is the same in any business. That’s why we have boundaries.

Take some marriage enrichment courses at church or wherever. Read a book together on marriage skills. Sometimes the most practical and simple solutions are ignored. It might help to read some of those “Mar & Venus” books. Another book that is extremely helpful is If Only He Knew. And the Five Love Languages.

Set aside some time each week with your wife to plan your schedule. I’ll bet if she knows what your schedule will be (more or less) she’ll be more understanding. It’s the half-hearted promises that tear apart a marriage. For instance, if you tell her you’ll try to get home by 10:00, then don’t get home by 1:00, she’ll have three hours to worry. But, if you tell her up front that you may get home by 10:00, but may run as late as 2:00, she won’t have as much to worry about.

Set down with your wife and make some long-range goals. This will make her feel like she’s part of the team. Listen to her input. Listen, take it in, consider it. Decide together if it is a good option. Don’t just cut her off with “that won’t work.” Instead, ask her how she thinks it will work.

Most spouses will be supportive if they feel they are part of the team. Remember, she may see something you don’t see. Her opinion counts—as does yours.

P.S. It’s not that you are letting down your family. They love you and worry about you. Don’t take it as a demand. Take it as desire. Your daughter desires your attention and your wife desires your…(eh hem)..attention.

[Saltydog]

It's much easier after you pay your dues.

[SmokeyJoe]

You know Im a single parent with three young children, you want to talk about stretched too far? If you got someone at home your already ahead of the game. It just means I have less room to screw up It also meant i had to be a little more creative in the job I took (thats how I wound up in the retirement community racket" at least for now, i cant really aspire for greatness, i dont have those extra hours to put in. Half my cheque already goes to daycares. It takes much balance and fore thought. Every move you make must be planned. Theres little room for swaying or even mistakes. And i do my best to schedule my staff according to my needs, when i know i can be there and when i know I cant. Maybe i just made no sense but its kind of like balancing a cheque book. dont write cheques you dont have the funds to cover no matter what your buying.

[matmoeb]

I remember thinking about this issue at the end of culinary school. My current cuisine instructor has worked for many of the top chefs in the country, Jean Goerge, Daniel Balud, Hermme, and I asked him, "How many of them were happily married with kids?" He gave me a fake smile and replied "None of them"
He, by the way, quit that life and became an instructor to be a newlywed.

[Rouxfy]

This situation is the same in any business.

Spee, I'm wicked fond of ya, but I've got to beg to differ with you. What other line of work demands every weekend, holiday, and other times when the rest of the normal world is off and spending quality time with their families? Hairball, I mean Garball's pessimistic post not withstanding, there are jobs in this business that are daytime,Monday through Friday, perhaps even with benefits, but they are the exception, not the norm. Please don't mistake me, I love my job, and what I do. I worked behind a desk for many years and I don't think I'd ever go back, but if you become involved with someone who is not familiar with this business, I think you are asking for trouble.